断层的记忆 Fault Zone Of Memory

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在我的一再请求下，我的学习顾问Grace MM，一位极虔诚的天主教徒，终于答应让我跟着去参加教堂的弥撒，她告诉我地址在董家渡路并叮嘱我千万不要迟到。从南浦大桥下来折回一段路，然后穿过一条小马路，转到董家渡路口。这也是条小路，一边是旧上海那种老式建筑，一边是低矮的小吃摊贩店，嘈杂而拥挤。要不是顺着路牌和门牌号走下去，我真怀疑是不是走错了地方。约摸步行一刻钟，左手侧突然闪出一座别样的略有巴洛克风格建筑，不用猜也知道，这肯定就是著名的圣方济各沙勿略天主堂。整座宏伟的教堂被一个不大的院子包围着，院内停了好多些车，看来来这里做弥撒的人档次还不低。正门口已有人在招待教徒们入场，大家的声音都很轻，匆忙但有序，近傍晚时分甚至还能依稀听到几声鸟叫。真的很难想象，在董家渡如此凌乱和喧闹的小弄堂深处竟然可以藏着庄严肃穆的异域古老宗教之地，藏得如此不经意。

眼见仪式就要开始，来不及作细细观察和思索就只能急急地步入教堂大厅。大厅非常开阔，可抵的上一个中型电影院，举目即见最前面钉在十字架的耶稣像，台前还有两个天使雕像，室内比较朴素，没有典型巴洛克的艳丽堂皇的色彩，两旁有巨大的拱形柱子，将开阔的穹顶撑起来；四周墙壁上挂着描绘耶稣从出生到复活的故事插画，我想象着的哥特式桃型尖拱并未过多的出现，倒是文艺复兴时期那样典雅的半圆型拱顶被大规模的运用在厅内；佘山教堂那样的彩色玻璃也没见到，只是遵循哥特式的大面积玻璃设计。整个大厅充满着中世纪的气息，就连坐着的信徒也大多数是高鼻子蓝眼睛的外国人，唯一不同于中世纪的地方就是在神龛两侧以及大厅两旁都置有空调，主席台上还配有音响。

Grace早已到达，将我们安排坐在第一排位子，让我直感觉此生离上帝竟如此之近。弥撒仪式很是复杂，首先是神父说弥撒开始，然后是我身旁一个来自韩国的主持人说了一通英文，接下来就是一个韩国女人上去念了一段韩文圣经，一个意大利女人上去念了一段英文圣经，接着Grace也上去念了一段上帝的话，大家的表情甚是庄重。之后神父又解释了圣经中耶稣的一段话的意思，有点类似高中老师解释论语中孔子针对学生的行为为什么要这么说这么做。解释完，大家起起坐坐，齐唱赞美诗，歌颂着上帝，还跪向上帝默默祈祷。然后神父开始在福祭的帮助下向上帝祝酒，最后从身后神龛中取出些圣饼，据说念完圣体经后，这些饼和葡萄酒已化成了耶稣的圣体和圣血，于是大家一个个排队上去，接受过洗礼的信徒可以得到一小块圣体含在嘴里，没接受过洗礼的人，比如我，需要双手交叉抱在胸前，那么神父就用手轻拍你的额头，表示上帝对你的祝福。

其实天主教的在全球的影响力已经越来越小了。东西罗马分了家后，基督教便拆分为天主教和东正教，16世纪初的时候马丁路德痛恨天主教的绝对统治导致的腐败，又引领信徒创立了新教，简化教义、仪式并松动森严的等级。历史上的天主教也不那么光彩，他们不仅发动过十字军东征，挑起对伊斯兰教的仇恨；也烧死了布鲁诺，捻灭中世纪真理之光；即使在二战前夕，罗马教皇为了重组“神圣罗马帝国”，竟然支持希特勒并未阻止屠杀犹太人。我无意贬低天主教，就一个不相信宗教的旁观者来看，当一个人精神上的寄托大于物质上的追求，抑或苦于拼搏后仍无法达成心愿，抑或觉得做错事情无法原谅自己时，往往就倾向于信仰点什么，而宗教往往能给予最及时的解释和安慰。这种前后反差越是强烈，就越是狂热得崇拜，其仪式也越是隆重。但可叹的是无论什么好样的宗教，也许当初的教义都是美好而崇高的，但是一旦为统治者利用，就再也无法逃脱成为镇压反抗者和愚弄百姓工具的命运。

信仰本身没有错，甚至可以说没有信仰才是最可悲的。但问题的关键在于，需要选准值得你去相信的。很多时候执着地看待一样事物，也许都是美好的，转90度甚至180度，你就会发现其另一面，也许不让你满意也许更糟，与其到时候伤心欲绝，不如开始的时候就看淡。虽不可能完全置身事外冷眼观世人，但求能常有一个批判的头脑、理性的思维在加上若谷的胸怀。世间上有些事情，你坚信着，它永远存在；你看开了，它就再也什么都不是了。信则有，不信则无；变幻之妙，存乎一心。

步出教堂，左转出董家渡路进入中山南二路，不知怎地，我的心绪和整个天气整个环境一样，重新浮躁起来。

At last, my study advisor - pretty Grace - a Catholic with great piety, agreed my repeated requests of following her to the Mass. She told me the address and warned me shouldn't be late. I took a bus across the Nanpu Bridge and went back a little, then made a right turn after crossing a narrow road. So it was Dongjiadu road, also a narrow road. On the one side there were old fashioned Shanghai houses, and on the other side crowded some bungalows used as market stalls. If I hadn't followed the house numbers, I would have doubted my direction. Around 15min walking, suddenly a special quasi-Baroque architecture came into my sight, no doubt that it was the famous St. Francis Xavier Church, which was surrouded by a small yard. It seemed people coming here to do Mass were almost in middle class according to their parking cars. Receptionists were busy arranging believers' seats, hurried but in order. They all talked at a low voice, and I could even discern birds twittering around in the dusk. You could hardly imagine that a church with solemn and serene could be hidden so casually in this dirty, noisy lane!

The ceremony was about to start and I must hurry up without too much thinking. The hall was very spacious, like a medium-sized cinema. At the far front of the hall standed the stations of the cross and two angels' waxworks. No Baroque flamboyant colours inside, no Gothic vaults above and even no stained glass around, but tall pillars and semicircle vaults in both sides supported the spacious ceiling. The hall was full of atmosphere of middle age, and the only difference was the modernized air conditioners and audio equipments.

Grace had arrived and she arranged us in the first row, which made me feel so close to the God for the first time. The process of Mass was rather complicated: priest announced the Mass begin, then a Korean chairman said something in English, then followed by another Korean woman, a Italian woman and Grace, they also read some paragraph of the Bible with solemn expression. After that, the priest chose some part in the Bible and explained it to us, just a little bit like our high school teacher explaining why Confucious told his students to do this or that. During the process, we all standed or sat at times, sang the verses, kneeled and prayed to the God. The priest then toasted to the God and fetched some muffin from the pyx. It was said that after the process, these muffin and wine became part of body and blood of the God. Everyone queued up, those who had received baptism could get one body of God and keep it in mouths, those who hadn't (such as me) should keep their arms crossed before chests and thus could receive bless from God through touching their foreheads by the priest.

In fact, Catholic had weaker and weaker influence all over the world. Christianity was divided into Catholic and Oriental Orthodox after the fragmentation of Roman Empire. Martin Luther was disappointed by the corruption of Catholic and found Protestantism against it. Actually Catholic was not so honorable in history: they did not only trigger the crusade, stirring up the hate against Muslim, but also burn Giordano Bruno to death, stubbing the spark of truth in middle age. Even on the eve of World war II, the pope supported Hitler in order to reestablish his Holy Roman Empire. I had no intention to degrade Catholic, as far as an irreligionist was concerned, when a people weighed greater metal things than material ones, or failed to acheive his/her dream after long struggles, or felt guilty after doing wrong, s/he would be incline to believe something, religion then, always could give the best explanation and consolation in time. The stronger the feeling was, the more crazy the worship was. Sadly, no matter how wonderful one religion was, it couldn't escape the destiny of being a tool to suppress opponents and fool the masses when used by rulers.

It wasn't wrong to believe something, and even poor to believe nothing. The point was, you should choose right things to believe. Most of times we viewed one thing perfect in one direction, but turning 90 degree or 180, you would find another aspect of it, maybe dissatisfying maybe worse. It was rather be sensible at the beginning than be sad in the end. Though you couldn't put yourself outside the social community, it was a wise way to be more critical, more reasonable and more generous. Many things in this world did exist if you believed, but if you didn't, they would be nothing. The change was mysterious but all depended on yourself.

Weirdly, when stepping out of the church and making a left turn towards South zhongshan two road, I became anxious again, just like the damn awful weather and choking environment.